A Settling of Dust

“I’ve come to test the timber of my heart.” -Joe Pug, Hymn #101

“And day after day I wake up feeling

Potentially lovely

Perpetually human

Suspended and open”

-Regina Spektor, Open

Graduation snuck upon us, pillaged the soggy weekend, and then left us bewildered. Here are some thoughts on that:

1. Pomp and Circumstance does its job of instilling courage and pride in the meek of heart.
2. When giving a speech, always come prepared. And for glory’s sake, stick to the point.
3. Pack snacks, if nothing else.
4. Be gracious to anyone who will take your photograph.
5. Ringing the bell in the BSU Honors House was far more satisfying than anticipated.

Every time a bell rings, an honors student weeps with relief.

Returning home last week meant it was past crunch time to get my Honors Thesis turned in, my teaching portfolio requirements squared away, and everything set for graduation. After 4 months of being so entirely focused on the tasks and students and dust at hand, I was dazed, disoriented, and disillusioned with the myriad of steps I would have to take in order to realize my next steps in life.

A Moment of Acknowledgement: I was honored to work  with one incredibly tenacious, talented, intelligent, and gracious Thesis advisor who let me drive to her hometown right before graduation to have her sign my work. I wrote a few lines on the topic of discrepancies and dissonance between Navajo language and communication and the demands placed on students for Language Arts according to the common core. I put those pages in an unassuming black binder and slapped it unceremoniously on the Honors College front desk. Take that, all ye who said it could not be done. Granted, it’s not all I wanted it to be in the beginning, but neither am I, and Madeleine L’engle reminds us that “a self is always becoming,” after all. Dr. Jones and I will hopefully be working together more this summer to make my Thesis worthy of publishing in a professional journal. I love working with Dr. J. Pro tip: find the people that push you to work harder, think bigger, and be better at what you do, just by existing, and try to stick with them. She’s one of mine. 

I sent a text to my “Navajo mom” back in Aneth with a picture of me in myself in my grad regalia, complete with her turquoise. She and I send a message now and then, and she always calls me “shiyazi” (my child.) And it always makes my heart smile/ache.

Now I’m in the midst of this frantic in-between. Everything I own is in boxes, ready to be in one place or another. My days have been filled with applying for summer temp jobs and fall teaching jobs, asking for reference letters, requesting transcripts, and interviewing, and the worst part is that I’m feeling more than a few steps behind. I get the sense that everyone in my position has done the paperwork and felt the panic prior to graduation, but I had what some would call a disadvantage of being a zillion miles away, with inconsistent internet and few evenings in which I could apply. So I’m trying and hoping, and trying again to sort through the chaos of the past few days, and the past few months.

 

There’s no one with whom I’d rather endure commencement.

Regalia keeps the Nargles away

I can’t stand this baby.

Serendipity Squad Sleepover

I need to have less and do more.

 

There’s all this open space inside of me right now, and I’m excited and scared and anxious and grateful and empty and unprepared. Hence the “suspended and open.” So we’ll see where we go.

My mom brought me a big box of Pixar’s Inside Out-themed Jelly Belly jelly beans the other night, with the explanation, “I know you’re feeling a lot right now. I thought you might need these.” That’s about right.